Branded

It began as a message, unspoken;

an ocular indictment in a look of disappointment.

“Why can’t you be…?”

“I wish you were…”

“Try harder.”

 

As the eyes dimmed, the mouth moved,

forcing words over teeth that bite through consonants.

“Why do you always…?”

“Can’t you just….?”

“Try harder!”

 

And, the eyes, and the words brand the heart.

 

Now the looks reflect off glass and the words, unspoken,

populate the quiet spaces.

“Why didn’t I…?”

“Should I have…?”

“I’m trying…”

Outside, Looking In

I don’t avoid Wal-Mart for all the trendy reasons. A speech given by a middle-aged cashier, sporting a pewter-gray, pixie haircut, to a visitor from “up north” who had attempted to sympathize with her plight, convinced me that Wal-Mart may not be the Anti-Christ, after all. She was “eternally grateful” for her job, and gave “thanks to God every day”. Watching her speak, I found it difficult to pair that particular hairstyle with a tailored suit in which she would be expected to greet the boutique customers in carefully modulated tones. She had made the right choice.

I avoid Wal-Mart because I simply don’t have the patience required to shuffle behind mothers too tired to walk, and their children, who string out on either side of the shopping cart as though preparing for an impromptu game of Red Rover. I’m also put off by crowds in front of the shelves that force me to vie for a spot, by maneuvering my cart so that it serves as a barrier, while I make a quick strike, all the while hoping that the items I’ve already chosen will still be in my basket when I get back.   The whole experience is just too stressful for me.

Sometimes though, when you decide that shopping with company is preferable to shopping alone, you end up a passenger in your friend’s car, leaving you little or no control over which stores you park in front of. This would be how I ended up in the Wal-Mart parking lot. And I remained in the parking lot, while my friend went inside. He insists that there are some things no one else carries, and is sure that he is getting a better deal. We’ve had the conversation. I don’t belabor the point. Instead, I declare, gaily, that I will wait outside while he “runs in” to “pick up a couple of things”. This is how we saw the woman with magenta hair.

“Isn’t she a little old to be wearing that color?”, the question came from my son whose involvement with his Itouch had forced him to remain behind with me.

She was a small woman. And from a distance her size and shape, covered as it was in jeans and a tee-shirt, might have suggested youth. Up close though, my first unbidden thought was, “What was she thinking?”.   There was no mistaking the color of her hair. It wasn’t even trying to pretend to be red, and it was far to dark to be considered pink. It was a color you don’t see every day. It was magenta.

The lines in her face grew deeper as she neared the car, and when her light-colored eyes met mine, I turned away. I wondered if she was the victim of a color change gone awry. Perhaps, she’d been challenged. Maybe she’d won a bet. And then I noticed her carriage; the arch of her neck, the strength in her step, and I knew. The magenta hair was no accident, it was a statement, and I thought “You go girl!”.

 The grocery store I frequent boasts four self-checkout lanes. Today there was a queue. The fifteen-items-or-less lane also had several people waiting on line, but fewer, prompting me to steer my cart, carrying twenty pounds of puppy food, in that direction.

 

While waiting, I watched the woman in front of me place her items on the conveyor belt. It was an incongruous mix; coconut cake and a cupful of peeled grapefruit sections sat side-by-side.

In front of her, a stylishly dressed, carefully dyed young woman balanced on five-inch heels while pressing her Iphone to her ear, unaware of the surreptitious ogling husband in front of her, or his wife’s eyes as they followed his.

The woman in front of me was huge; a fact that was made all the more prevalent by her choice of a gauzy, aqua top that flowed immensely with her every movement. It was a well-made garment. I’m sure she paid plenty for it. I imagined her shopping, maybe even online. She had good jewelry.

Did she look at herself in the mirror?, I wondered. Did she try on the blouse, and then turn, this way and that? Did she smile with satisfaction at the picture she made? That was when I noticed how thin her forearms were behind delicate hands bearing a bejeweled wedding set. Someone appreciated her…

I left the store behind a young, dark-skinned girl who wore shorts and a shirt over her Chuck Taylor’s. It was her head, though that caught my eye.

 

Greens and yellows melded with cream, in a patterned fabric she had wound round and round her head to a height of nearly one foot in the style of a traditional African head-wrap. I was struck, at first, by the dichotomy. But that was before practicality kicked in, and I imagined my own shoulder-length mane wrapped, instead of clipped, on a sultry southern day. I think that girl might be on to something…

On the way home, traffic slowed in the opposite lane. I looked ahead, anticipating flashing blue lights, and was met, instead, by a rather large, middle-aged man dwarfing a moped.

At first, I marveled at his whimsy. Everyone knows how slow those things go, and here we were, in the middle of rush hour!   But his helmeted head remained upright, steadfast, fixed on a goal. And he rode…oblivious.

Given the state of traffic at the time, he probably got there just as fast as anyone else.

Tolerance is a window to the other side, and we have much to learn…

© Copyright 2007-2009 Stacye Carroll All Rights Reserved

Tiki Tacky

I remember when it seemed that every one of my neighbors had installed solar landscape lighting, and how much I envied their muted glow. I began to research, immediately, and on seeing the price-tag, decided I could wait until next year, and the next year, and the next. ]

This year I made the jump, purchasing a dozen ten-inch lamps, which I arranged in various flower beds in such a manner as to suggest I’d given their placement little or no thought. I admire them nightly, as the dogs and I go for one last backyard stroll. And I take particular delight upon seeing them blink on as I sit on my dusky patio.

I realized recently that the shape of the sky I can see above my patio has changed little over the years. Many decades-old pines, their branches laden with a bumper crop of pine cones, strain to fill the space and fail, graciously. I like looking into the space I am given. The familiarity of it brings comfort.

That was before I saw them.

My son’s bellow interrupted my reverie forcing my eyes away from my patch of blue to the window nearest the patio. His emergency averted, I shifted my hips to a new place of comfort, and before I could assume the position, they caught my eye. It started as a twinkle; a yellowish twinkle that spoke of fire and warmth. I squinted to get a better look as the pines swayed in and out view. Within seconds I was sure. They were tiki lamps.  My neighbor had tiki lamps!

My first reaction was to scan the grounds for signs of a party. After all, everyone knows that no one lights tiki lamps unless they are having a party.  But, the grounds were quiet, save for one adolescent boy and his golden retriever, who danced in circles around his feet in preparation for his sailing of the Frisbee he held in one hand.  I squinted, again.

Their deck was awash in the glow of firelight! I counted three lamps, fully aware that the pines obscured my view, and that there could be many more lamps that I couldn’t see. I watched the boy and his dog, sure that his guests would join him momentarily, but they never did. The solar light nearest me blinked on as though aware of the competition.

The boy finally threw the disc, prompting the retriever to bound down the deck stairs, as his master made his retreat into sliding glass doors that allowed the blinking colors of a massive television screen.

I have twinkle lights. They swag between burgeoning, green hanging baskets in the sun-room. I love their tiny warmth.

And now I have solar landscape lighting. I admire their glow.

But, I don’t have tiki lamps.

For Josh

We walked in circles, you and I;

miles and miles of circles.

The late day sun bounced off the pavement to warm the words as you repeated them.

And, to those who said you couldn’t

you smiled and said, “I did”.

 

You never missed a chance to watch;

to watch quietly while dodging the invectives of your teacher,

as a wrench slid, or a bolt broke, or a tiny slip of wire coiled just out of reach.

Lying on your back, under tons of twisted metal, your fingers fit in places his couldn’t.

You smiled and said, “I’ve got it.”

 

She wasn’t even your girl;

a troubled girl with doleful eyes and long blonde hair

who bet her future on your friend who turned his back.

And, as the child within her grew,

you smiled and said, “I can help.”

 

Today you are a man;

a man who overcomes obstacles with honesty and effort,

and, while others wring their hands in impotence, you flourish.

My heart fills with pride as I look back on your journey.

You are remarkable.

I love you.

“Hello, my name is…”

tray_of_cupcakes-thumb

The  school sat on a tree-lined block at the center of a bedroom community surrounded by split-levels inhabited by stay-at-home Moms who scheduled household chores around tennis lessons, mother’s-morning-out, and the carpool lane.

For as long as he could remember, Harold had lived across the street with his mother.   Over thirty years ago, he had attended that school.  That was before they knew. 

 He never made it through high school.  His mother had finally weakened in front of a parade of teachers, and administrators, and psychologists who insisted there was something wrong.  The doctors had suggested Harold be placed in an institution “where he could get the care he needed”.  But Harold’s mother, who had never held doctors in very high esteem, smiled sweetly as she declined their offers of assistance while pocketing the prescriptions they were only too willing to write.  Sometimes Harold actually took the pills.

One sunny spring morning, Harold picked up a hammer and left the house without a word to his mother.  He walked fifty feet down the cement sidewalk to the yellow-lined crosswalk and looked both ways, before traversing the grid that led to the front doors of the school. 

 As he entered, the secretary raised her head just long enough to flash her perma-smile in his direction before reaching for the telephone.  The hallway reminded him of a beehive he’d seen on “The Learning Channel”.  He walked warily, among the students and teachers, to the end of the hall where Ms. Murphy’s class was just returning from recess.  No one noticed the hammer he carried until had he imbedded it deep inside Lisa Gallagher’s head.

Today I entered the front door of the school, unimpeded, to a repeat performance of the smile that greeted Harold.  I waited behind another mother as she gingerly applied the newly-required, generic, blue name badge to her tennis togs, and as I shifted a large, plastic tray of cupcakes from one hand to another I couldn’t help thinking, “Well, at least next time, we’ll know his name….”

Lessons of the Father


Don’t tell me…

when you decided popularity trumped principle.

I don’t want to know.

Don’t tell me…

that winning is the best lesson and his trophies do more than collect the dust of missed opportunities to grow.

I don’t believe you.

Don’t tell me…

that your motives are altruistic.

Look it up.

And, as excuses fill your mouth with the bile of garbled rationalizations,

don’t tell me.

© Copyright 2007-2009 Stacye Carroll All Rights Reserved

Reading Backwards


“Right now, I’m not paying an awful lot of attention to what anyone thinks of me, myself included. I find myself in a state of flux, kind of like I’m trying on new dresses to see which one fits me best. Some I take off right away, and some I wear a few days before trying on something new. I’m having fun, I’m being true to me, and I’m actually looking forward to how I turn out… “

I read this last night as I sifted through over fourteen-hundred posts I have contributed to a social networking site directed at baby-boomers. I can’t remember exactly when I wrote it. I should have included dates when I archived.

The site is closing, and upon a suggestion from one of the administrators, and encouragement from others to do so, I spent several hours this past weekend reading, and saving, and reading, and discarding, and reading, and saving some more.

The quote given is just one among many, that when strung together, actually form a journal I never intended to keep. And, in reading, I learned a lot about me…

The words I wrote were true, at the moment. Life robbed them of their veracity, even if the change is only one of nuance.

For example, it remains true that I care little what others think of me, but the pendulum controlling my “state of flux” seems permanently affixed to one side. I’ve discarded all but the most comfortable of dresses, and my ideas of “fun”, and “me”, have changed so much as to be unrecognizable. All of this became apparent on Day One.

By Day Two, I had slogged through nearly one-half of my posts, and a picture began to emerge. I began to recognize a person I really liked, but had somehow lost inside what is now a well-worn, comfortably baggy dress. Reading, at this point, became uncomfortable, as I not only realized what I had sacrificed, but why. It’s never easy to accept folly in our choices. It’s even harder when you think you have overcome, only to realize that you mistook stagnation for success.

I finished yesterday. As the monitor went dark, I walked away smiling. I intend to use much of the content here, in my blog. But, the most important parts I’ll keep for me.

This morning, I changed my dress…

© Copyright 2007-2009 Stacye Carroll All Rights Reserved

Honorable Mention


“How’s the novel coming?’

It took several seconds for the words to register, intent as I was on reading the comments left on a friend’s Facebook post.

“Which one?” I turned to face the voice, only to find its face buried in a matching monitor. “Currently, I’m working on four…it’s a problem.”

“The one where you were in a contest.”, she turned, distractedly, to face me.

“Honorable mention…but everybody gets that.”, I smiled.

“Oh, my God!” Sylvia laughed with her entire body. “You are such a perfectionist!”

“No, not really. You know if you sing…” Sylvia’s face said she didn’t. “Well, if you watch American Idol, then…you realize that a lot of people can sing. It’s the lucky ones who make it, right?”

She nodded into the hand that held her chin.

“It’s the same with writing. The more you write, the more you realize there are lots of good writers out there. So…you keep doing it, and hope to get lucky.”

© Copyright 2007-2009 Stacye Carroll All Rights Reserved