Diamond Cutter


Wedging herself onto the end of a thickly shellacked wooden bench, she sat amongst a group of waiters. Music pumped from strategically placed speakers over her head, as she placed her feet out of range of the oblivious, polo-shirted man standing with his back to her. He laughed, gesturing with his drink, to the delight of his date.

She leaned forward slightly, at the approach of a car, straining to take measure of its occupant. An older man, and the woman riding the passenger seat, meant nothing to her.

Oppressive July heat fell in droplets around her, pasting her carefully chosen cotton tee-shirt to her body. She stretched it towards the laughing man in hopes of a stray, drying breeze.

A garbled voice, calling names, replaced the music. An elderly couple beside her took their cue, barely escaping the flying elbow of the ebullient man. His date’s face quickly flashed from flirtatious delight to horror. Harnessing his elbows, she pulled him forward.

And the music ensued. A family of five occupied the opposite bench. Mother, her face colored by a mixture of fatigue and gratitude, jostled her youngest to distraction, while Father palmed a beer, protectively.

Several sets of legs to her left, parted, revealing him.

She hadn’t seen as much as a picture, but she knew.

His face split, revealing a set of uneven, but well-cared for teeth. The collar of his pastel- hued shirt parted graciously, admitting jet black curls. There was a shine to his hair.

He squeezed his generous frame into the space beside her, leaning against the wall before expelling the air he’d been holding.

“Hey…” The word came on the breath of his sigh, and around a grin that would remain, throughout the evening.

The speakers crackled, again, as his name was called and he took her hand. The niceties had finished.

Months of practice fueled their conversation. She studied the way his generous hand wrapped around a steak knife, and, as he chewed with upturned lips, she marveled at his pleasure.

He paid with plastic as she considered her options.

The interior of his truck spoke to her. She flashed on that first drive with her father. She felt the plastic knob of a gear shift in her hand as she maneuvered the weather-beaten Ford F-150 out of the parking lot, and onto the roadway; setting it up on two wheels. And, her father; his white-knuckled hands gripping cracked vinyl, as he screamed…

“You made me pee my pants!”

Their first uncomfortable silence came as he settled himself against the nylon-covered bench seat. Questions, she was hesitant to answer, hung in the air, buoyed by vibrations emitted from a factory-installed radio. Windows were lowered, and she re-adjusted her shirt.

She felt him before she saw him. He face hovered above hers, eager to deliver what would be the first of many sloppy, wet kisses which would improve with translation, over time. The cadence of his garlic-tinged breath filled the air around them, and, her decision was made, as his hands grasped the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head before the slammming of a nearby car door reminded her they were still in the parking lot.

Time and circumstance placed them together, allowing them every other weekend. For two years, at no small expense, he rented the same set of rooms in a local concrete-encased block of suites. Lamp-light reflected off chrome appliances in the tiny kitchenette; spawning in her, domestic fantasies.

Sated fatigue colored his voice as he drew up the sheet, turning his back.

“There’s something in your drawer…”

Delight propelled her from the bed. A curled hand carried the sheet with her.

He hadn’t bothered to wrap it, and it didn’t matter. Two pewter-toned Tahitian pearls sat, ensconced in tiny diamonds, at either end of a platinum ring which slid easily about her wrist. She raised her arm; twisting the facets in admiration.

And, he began to jump. Both hands clutched the polyester-infiltrated fabric surrounding her, as 200+ pounds pummeled a well-used mattress. She watched, integrating the juvenile glee on his Sicilian-hued face with the incongruously violent swing of his penis. Nothing in her experience could make this right.

Roses arrived. Mounds of them, in varying colors, filled vases on tables throughout her home, only to be replaced by fresh bouquets the next day.

And jewelry; rubies protected by diamonds, and a pendant supporting a single, large, perfect stone.

They talked, hesitant to disturb the stillness of a southern spring night, while she fingered his gift. And, as he lifted her hair to cinch the clasp, he assured her…”No strings…”

He hadn’t tried to hide. As they approached her driveway, his Toyota sat, valiantly, next to her Ford. She whispered her “Goodnight”, before stumbling into the darkened living room.

Straining, she recognized his form, filling the center of her second-hand sofa. Neither spoke. She straddled him, and weeks later, he would invoke the scent of the other man. But, for now…tonight, it didn’t matter.

“I could’ve bought a bedroom suite for my daughter with that money!”

Rubies, and diamonds, and dreams, crunched against concrete under her running shoes before she turned, and mounting the steps, jogged to the door; closing it behind her.

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Library night

It might be library night…
I never really could keep up with it. Is it the same night, every week, or more a circumstance of convenience?

Yeah, it definitely could be library night…

The thought comforts me as my hand parts my hair 5 times before my head comes to rest in my palm, against the car window.
We probably wouldn’t be talking now, anyway…

I do so miss the talking.

And not even the talking, really, but all the little nuances built into talking;

the anticipation of talking,

that first, long, drawn-out “Heeeyy”, that rides out to meet me on the rush of a deep sigh,

oft-used phrases,

words that feel like you….

“Can I ask you a question?”
The smile that never ends, and the laughter.

Good laughter, long laughter, unadulterated, unexpected, and healing laughter.

I miss the joy in laughter.
For the first time in my life, I would rather talk than write. Writing, is after all, all about me. The places I can go are restricted by the confines of my mind, by my experience, by my hopes, and my dreams.
I miss the voice that gently took me places I had never thought to go, but, even more, I miss the wide-eyed enthusiasm as whole new worlds opened up to you through the doorways in my words.

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Today…

Today, for the first time in weeks, I woke up to….nothing.
I changed my routine,
and spent less time staring at my computer monitor.

Today, I no longer felt the need to keep my phone in my hand, but rather, allowed it to rest, recklessly, atop a cabinet in my office.
I changed my ringtones.
I viewed my empty inbox with relief,
and realized I had gone 72 hours without hearing his voice…
Today, I brought my phone charger home and plugged it back in next to my bed. My phone has held a charge, all day, for the first time in months…

Today, thoughts of work were uncluttered.
I set priorities in hopes of moving on to goals.
I had a daydream…about cleaning out a closet…
I participated in a political discussion in which, for the first time in weeks, my entire mind was engaged,
and, I read several pages of “Atlas Shrugged” while eating lunch.

Several times today, I remembered an anecdote or experience shared by a mutual friend and thrilled with the anticipation of sharing, until I remembered…
I stopped and thought, “Oh, I can’t wait to tell him…” before realizing my best friend had stopped listening…
Today, I heard his name spoken time and time again, and, each time, it hurt a little less…

Today, I realized, with certainty, that my conviction to refuse to live my life according to a set of man-made rules is right…for me…

Today the landscape seems brighter…

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Rollercoaster of Love

Spent the better part of this morning carrying a large rock, dead center, in the middle of my chest…

And, then the questions began…

“What are you thinking about?”

“Are you having a good day?”

The phone rings, and I grope, desperately into and around the seat behind me to get it before it stops. And I do. And it’s not him…

And the reassurances…

“I love you, Mom…”

And the “click” on an empty email icon…

And the caring…

“You can’t drive around like that. Let me take the car in for you. We’ll settle up later…”

And…silence.

And laughter at shared experiences, and the wonder of physical prowess, and sweet rest, much needed…

A day that began in tears, and ended in gratitude.

And, I will ride again, tomorrow…</div

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Almost…

The sadness;

of dreams I never knew I had, lying unrealized…

of plans, and hopes, and wants, and desires, unrequited…

of letting go, with love…

of looking back, without remorse…

of moving forward, without…

of realizing that another soul, a mirror to mine, exists in allegiance to another, less deserving…

of releasing the person I could have been, and almost was…almost.

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Without A Fight

I hear it before I see it.

The fullness inside my head competes with a burgeoning, choppy roar for my full attention.

I search the horizon for the crest. I can hear it. I know it’s coming.

A plan.

I need a plan.

Frantically, my troubled mind tears through inner recesses for answers.

Which way to go?

Go or stay?

Run? Or embrace the onslaught and welcome the power of it as threatens to rip me apart?

My mind reflects the quiet just before the break and the decision is made.

Truth, unbidden, bursts forth between gritted teeth and the stage is set.

And when it hits me, I welcome the release with a smile, and yet, still feel the great sense of loss only felt when something very special slips away

without a fight.

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll