Library night

It might be library night…

I never really could keep up with it. Is it the same night, every week, or more a circumstance of convenience?

Yeah, it definitely could be library night…

The thought comforts me as my hand parts my hair 5 times before my head comes to rest in my palm, against the car window.

We probably wouldn’t be talking now, anyway…

I do so miss the talking.

And not even the talking, really, but all the little nuances built into talking;

the anticipation of talking,

that first, long, drawn-out “Heeeyy”, that rides out to meet me on the rush of a deep sigh,

oft-used phrases,

words that feel like you….

“Can I ask you a question?”

The smile that never ends, and the laughter.

Good laughter, long laughter, unadulterated, unexpected, and healing laughter.

I miss the joy in laughter.

For the first time in my life, I would rather talk than write. Writing, is after all, all about me. The places I can go are restricted by the confines of my mind, by my experience, by my hopes, and my dreams.

I miss the voice that gently took me places I had never thought to go, but, even more, I miss the wide-eyed enthusiasm as whole new worlds opened up to you through the doorways in my words.

Today…

Today, for the first time in weeks, I woke up to….nothing.
I changed my routine,
and spent less time staring at my computer monitor.

Today, I no longer felt the need to keep my phone in my hand, but rather, allowed it to rest, recklessly, atop a cabinet in my office.
I changed my ringtones.
I viewed my empty inbox with relief,
and realized I had gone 72 hours without hearing his voice…
Today, I brought my phone charger home and plugged it back in next to my bed. My phone has held a charge, all day, for the first time in months…

Today, thoughts of work were uncluttered.
I set priorities in hopes of moving on to goals.
I had a daydream…about cleaning out a closet…
I participated in a political discussion in which, for the first time in weeks, my entire mind was engaged,
and, I read several pages of “Atlas Shrugged” while eating lunch.

Several times today, I remembered an anecdote or experience shared by a mutual friend and thrilled with the anticipation of sharing, until I remembered…
I stopped and thought, “Oh, I can’t wait to tell him…” before realizing my best friend had stopped listening…
Today, I heard his name spoken time and time again, and, each time, it hurt a little less…

Today, I realized, with certainty, that my conviction to refuse to live my life according to a set of man-made rules is right…for me…

Today the landscape seems brighter…

Rollercoaster of Love

Spent the better part of this morning carrying a large rock, dead center, in the middle of my chest…

And, then the questions began…

“What are you thinking about?”

“Are you having a good day?”

The phone rings, and I grope, desperately into and around the seat behind me to get it before it stops. And I do. And it’s not him…

And the reassurances…

“I love you, Mom…”

And the “click” on an empty email icon…

And the caring…

“You can’t drive around like that. Let me take the car in for you. We’ll settle up later…”

And…silence.

And laughter at shared experiences, and the wonder of physical prowess, and sweet rest, much needed…

A day that began in tears, and ended in gratitude.

And, I will ride again, tomorrow…</div