Sunday Best

“So, are you cooking dinner Sunday night?”

The question was random, at best.

“Uh…no. It doesn’t make much sense to do that for just the two of us. I stopped doing that a long time ago, just about the same time you stopped eating it…”

The expected, angled for, and, yet, still uncomfortable silence fell.

“What if I said I would be there? Would you cook dinner?”

It was a tradition I had insisted upon. One of the few. A Sunday night dinner, during which every family member actually sat in a chair at the dinner table until everyone had finished eating.

Good music played, softly, and all manner of utensils were in attendance, from salad forks, to dessert spoons. It was to be served family style, and southern, from it’s menu to the cadence in the conversation.

And, conversation was key. It was a time to catch up on the week and set the tone for the week to come; a bonding time, a loving time, one on one time, with no distractions.

Several different answers compete in my head, ranging from the acidly sarcastic, “Well, why didn’t you SAY so! Of course, I’ll slave over a hot stove for hours, as long as YOU are there.”, to, “Well, I don’t know, I kinda had plans…”, to what eventually stammered from my mouth on a wave of trepidation, “Ok”.

I seasoned the chops, and moved about the kitchen in time to personally chosen music piped in through the tiny speakers in my ears. I peeled potatoes, before chopping them into boiling water, and I searched my pantry for a known favorite; crowder peas.

As the song ended, I realized the telephone was ringing, and danced across stone tiles to answer it.

“Hey, whatcha’ doin’”, my oldest son always insists on knowing what I am doing before stating the purpose of his call.

“Cooking dinner, you?”

“Cooking…I’m frying chicken. I was wondering….do you dunk in the egg first, and then the flour, or the other way around?” Cooking questions are not unusual. All my boys cook. I insisted upon it.

“Wow! You are brave!” I said. “I don’t even fry chicken. Well, I will, after I’ve beaten it to a pulp, so that it’s flat, and I’m sure the inside will cook. And, of course, I spice it up and add a little parmesan. I’ve got that recipe. You want it?”

“No. I’ve got skinless breasts.” We paused to consider his statement. “Why don’t you fry chicken?”

“Because, I never get the inside done. And, besides, you can get good fried chicken most anywhere. It’s just easier to buy it…”

“Oh.”, he paused. “Well, Heather will be home in about an hour, and I have to have supper on the table. What if I cut them in half?”

A picture of my beautiful son, wrapped in an imaginary apron, filled my head. His face shone, like the sun, as his beautiful Native American girlfriend entered the house after a long day of crunching numbers.

And, I felt pride.

I felt success.

I felt that something I had insisted upon, mattered.

Years of Sunday dinners had left my son with an obligation to provide. And, as his love labored, he stayed behind and created an environment of caring and nourishment, with no thoughts to traditional roles, or pride, or selfishness.

Somewhere, there was a football game on television, but my son had shut off his TV, to strap on an apron and carry on a tradition of bonding and loving.

“Dunk once in the flour, then in the egg, and then, again, in the flour.” I said through my smile. “And don’t forget the salt and pepper!”

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Lassoing the Moon

It stormed here today.

Not completely unexpected, mind you. But after several days without a cloud, one becomes hopeful the storm has passed.

For four days and nights, the weather was dry, uneventful, and the clouds separated, more than once, to reveal blue skies and multi-colored sunlight, as I allowed myself to be lulled into a place of anxious comfort.

Before the storms came.

And thunder rolled in the form of a sob that filled my head with sounds no one else could hear.

No one ever, really, lassoes the moon…

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Arm-wrestling God

We share 20 years.

She hosted a beautiful wedding as I joined my life to my first real love, and provided a haven when he returned to his; liquid, cold, uncaring, and violent.

She was there through the howls of birth; first mine, and later, theirs.

And, as I suffered through the death of one not to be born alive, she was there as I emerged from the examination room, holding a single rose, and her tongue, on the long, silent ride home.

When I determined to try again, staring down forty, she propped me up when my feet were too swollen to carry me, and never failed to remind me of the folly in my decision.

Now as I bare my soul, share my guilt, and bemoan my lack of restraint, she does what only she can do….

“You arm-wrestled God for a man, honey! What did you think was gonna happen?”

This is her gift…

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Library night

It might be library night…
I never really could keep up with it. Is it the same night, every week, or more a circumstance of convenience?

Yeah, it definitely could be library night…

The thought comforts me as my hand parts my hair 5 times before my head comes to rest in my palm, against the car window.
We probably wouldn’t be talking now, anyway…

I do so miss the talking.

And not even the talking, really, but all the little nuances built into talking;

the anticipation of talking,

that first, long, drawn-out “Heeeyy”, that rides out to meet me on the rush of a deep sigh,

oft-used phrases,

words that feel like you….

“Can I ask you a question?”
The smile that never ends, and the laughter.

Good laughter, long laughter, unadulterated, unexpected, and healing laughter.

I miss the joy in laughter.
For the first time in my life, I would rather talk than write. Writing, is after all, all about me. The places I can go are restricted by the confines of my mind, by my experience, by my hopes, and my dreams.
I miss the voice that gently took me places I had never thought to go, but, even more, I miss the wide-eyed enthusiasm as whole new worlds opened up to you through the doorways in my words.

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Today…

Today, for the first time in weeks, I woke up to….nothing.
I changed my routine,
and spent less time staring at my computer monitor.

Today, I no longer felt the need to keep my phone in my hand, but rather, allowed it to rest, recklessly, atop a cabinet in my office.
I changed my ringtones.
I viewed my empty inbox with relief,
and realized I had gone 72 hours without hearing his voice…
Today, I brought my phone charger home and plugged it back in next to my bed. My phone has held a charge, all day, for the first time in months…

Today, thoughts of work were uncluttered.
I set priorities in hopes of moving on to goals.
I had a daydream…about cleaning out a closet…
I participated in a political discussion in which, for the first time in weeks, my entire mind was engaged,
and, I read several pages of “Atlas Shrugged” while eating lunch.

Several times today, I remembered an anecdote or experience shared by a mutual friend and thrilled with the anticipation of sharing, until I remembered…
I stopped and thought, “Oh, I can’t wait to tell him…” before realizing my best friend had stopped listening…
Today, I heard his name spoken time and time again, and, each time, it hurt a little less…

Today, I realized, with certainty, that my conviction to refuse to live my life according to a set of man-made rules is right…for me…

Today the landscape seems brighter…

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Rollercoaster of Love

Spent the better part of this morning carrying a large rock, dead center, in the middle of my chest…

And, then the questions began…

“What are you thinking about?”

“Are you having a good day?”

The phone rings, and I grope, desperately into and around the seat behind me to get it before it stops. And I do. And it’s not him…

And the reassurances…

“I love you, Mom…”

And the “click” on an empty email icon…

And the caring…

“You can’t drive around like that. Let me take the car in for you. We’ll settle up later…”

And…silence.

And laughter at shared experiences, and the wonder of physical prowess, and sweet rest, much needed…

A day that began in tears, and ended in gratitude.

And, I will ride again, tomorrow…</div

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Almost…

The sadness;

of dreams I never knew I had, lying unrealized…

of plans, and hopes, and wants, and desires, unrequited…

of letting go, with love…

of looking back, without remorse…

of moving forward, without…

of realizing that another soul, a mirror to mine, exists in allegiance to another, less deserving…

of releasing the person I could have been, and almost was…almost.

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Ahhh…youth

I can remember when I was much younger, and dating…

you know, late teens, early twenties,

before every date featured an obligatory grope session…

There was a particular kind of sweetness about the morning after.

As I begin the reluctant climb into consciousness…

freeze-frame shots of the day before play across my brain as I lay with my eyes closed, unaware that my arms have wrapped around my pillow in an effort to bring it in just a little closer.
A smile begins to play across my lips as memories warm me from the outside in.
And, as I finally turn in surrender to the burgeoning day, the smile moves into my opening eyes,
and I hug the pillow even tighter as, stretching, my limbs tingle with the anticipation of things to come…

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Giving Thanks

Have I ever told you that I thank God for you, everyday?

Have I ever told you that all through my day

as snippets of conversation dance across my brain,

and the sound of your laughter echoes from a warm place,

I embrace the feeling and raise it up in thanks.

And, sometimes, sometimes if I’m really present

and I hold that feeling up really high,

I am sure I feel a “You’re welcome”…

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll

Sidetracked

Started this day with the best of intentions, got sidetracked, in a pleasant kind of way…

Then rushed around like crazy getting all dolled up; flouncy skirt, flirty heels, the works, to make my nephew’s Eagle Scout award ceremony.
Drove 25 miles, ended up horribly, horribly late…and then a disconcerted 25 miles back…

One day….one day I’ll fall in line. I’ll always know the right thing to say, the right thing to do, and the right time to leave….

Every hair will be in place…

I’ll dress appropriately…

And smile on command….

Well, maybe not

© Copyright 2007-2008 Stacye Carroll