Rollercoaster of Love

Spent the better part of this morning carrying a large rock, dead center, in the middle of my chest…

And, then the questions began…

“What are you thinking about?”

“Are you having a good day?”

The phone rings, and I grope, desperately into and around the seat behind me to get it before it stops. And I do. And it’s not him…

And the reassurances…

“I love you, Mom…”

And the “click” on an empty email icon…

And the caring…

“You can’t drive around like that. Let me take the car in for you. We’ll settle up later…”

And…silence.

And laughter at shared experiences, and the wonder of physical prowess, and sweet rest, much needed…

A day that began in tears, and ended in gratitude.

And, I will ride again, tomorrow…</div

Almost…

The sadness;

of dreams I never knew I had, lying unrealized…

of plans, and hopes, and wants, and desires, unrequited…

of letting go, with love…

of looking back, without remorse…

of moving forward, without…

of realizing that another soul, a mirror to mine, exists in allegiance to another, less deserving…

of releasing the person I could have been, and almost was…almost.

Will You?

Will you walk with me?
Can we go to the beach?
Will you scout for the best spot and raise my umbrella?

Will you sing to me,In your best morning voice,
Songs of life, and love, and hope, and strength?

Will you think of me,
When I am faraway?
Will your face soften to reflect the sparkle in your eyes?

Will you dance with me
When we are alone?
Will our bodies softly sway, as one?

Will you work with me
When life walks in uninvited?
Will you take my hand and help me find the path of least resistance?

Will you love me
When the blinders are off
And nothing stands between us
and long walks on the beach,
Morning songs,
Softly swaying bodies,
And life.

Without A Fight

I hear it before I see it.

The fullness inside my head competes with a burgeoning, choppy roar for my full attention.

I search the horizon for the crest. I can hear it. I know it’s coming.

A plan.

I need a plan.

Frantically, my troubled mind tears through inner recesses for answers.

Which way to go?

Go or stay?

Run? Or embrace the onslaught and welcome the power of it as threatens to rip me apart?

My mind reflects the quiet just before the break and the decision is made.

Truth, unbidden, bursts forth between gritted teeth and the stage is set.

And when it hits me, I welcome the release with a smile, and yet, still feel the great sense of loss only felt when something very special slips away

without a fight.

Just As You Intended

Just as you intended…

Your words wash over me in waves, a soft caress

soothing

As my soul relaxes, I answer your request to look inside,

at the wonder of you,

and am blinded by strobe-like flashes

of your hunger

of your need

of your brilliant capacity for love.

I ride the crest, luxuriating in your warmth,

until, longing for more, I turn to you

and sink inside your silent void.

Cacophonous cadence

As stealthily as you brought her, you spirited her away

You never hid, never shied

You came in the front door and attacked me with words; soft words, sharp words, words that flowed with cacophonous cadence, words that drew breath from me even as they poured emotion into me

You sang a discordant song and dared me to join in the chorus,

and I sang, without accompaniment, a song I had never sung before

and as I became comfortable with the melody, you angrily changed keys.

The racket was deafening, and I responded in kind.

You answered with silence, feigning defeat

and you took her with you

my Muse.

Never

You are faceless, and, for all practical purposes nameless.
I have never buried my nose into the top of your head, or the center of your chest, or into the crease of your hip and inhaled, deeply, your essence.
I have never run my fingers over the roughness of your hands, or traced the lines of your face.
I have never heard you breathe, or watch you sleep.
I have never fed you.
I have never heard your laugh, or felt you cry and kissed the wetness from your lashes.
I’ve never felt the softness of your flannel shirt against my bare skin, or anticipated the sound of your footsteps.
But I know you…
And I care…