Same As It Ever Was

“I’m a table sitter, just like my Mother.”

Knowing she wouldn’t be joining me allowed me the freedom to stretch out on her well-worn sofa.

Hallie eased herself into her usual spot next to a blinded window. A heavy sigh accompanied the release of her weight onto a vinyl captain’s chair, and the years washed away in my anticipation of her next move. Both hands went to her head, grasping at gossamer wisps which had rudely escaped the band she’d swept them into that morning. Another sigh and her hands went to the tabletop. Her lips pursed as her hands moved about the table, straightening a pencil against the edge of a writing tablet, carefully lining up book spines along their mitered corners, and touching each of three small stacks of paper.

As she took assurance in the precision of her surroundings I remembered rows of pencils, sorted by color and length, lying alongside a notebook in the laboratory where she worked. On quiet days, and sometimes just during a lull, I took particular delight in flicking one end of the pencil closest to me and watching the others careen like pick-up-sticks. She feigned disgust, but I understood the satisfaction she took in realigning her environment.

As she sighed, and sorted, and sorted, and sighed, I searched her face for change. Other than a slight gravitational pull around the corners of her mouth, there was none. Despite her claim of green, her eyes had always been of indeterminate color. They snapped just as they always had, behind eyeglasses whose shape demanded the word “spectacles”. The freckles that had always danced across her cream-colored skin were just where I’d left them, and her small, colorless mouth pursed between spurts of speech enriched with invectives.

“Remind me to give you a blow job later!”

It was the fall of 1992, the year the Braves won the pennant. Both of us had followed the Braves throughout the season. We knew stats. We referred to the players in such a way as to suggest we might have had them over to dinner the night before, and each of us had our favorites. John Smoltz was mine. We both agreed he bore an eerie resemblance to my wayward husband, who Hallie described as “poetic looking”. Hallie appreciated the talents of the wiry Otis Nixon and the second baseman, who she referred to as “Little Lemke”.

Sometime over the course of the Championship series, we had begun to watch the games together, by telephone; she ensconced inside her cozy duplex less than ten miles away from my little farmhouse, filled by the sounds of soundly sleeping children. The call usually came sometime after the seventh-inning-stretch.

It was the bottom of the ninth, and the Pirates were up two to zip. In an era free of steroid controversy, we thought nothing peculiar about the guns on Ron Gant, as he took the plate with the bases loaded. He sacrificed, making the score two to one. Brian Hunter popped up, leaving us with scant hope as a little-known pinch-hitter, named Francisco Cabrera, loped towards the plate. He singled, scoring David Justice, and an oft-traded, unlikely hero named Sid Bream. As Sid slid into home, securing the pennant, Hallie shouted her reminder into the receiver. I remember collapsing with laughter, and would recall little else about that game, or the ensuing World Series.

“I thought you were bringing Shane!”

Hallie stood on the steps leading to her front door.

“This can’t be Shane! Shane’s just a little guy! Who is this tall boy you brought with you?”

Color seeped into Shane’s cheeks as he shut the car door and walked, sheepishly, in the direction of my friend.

“Hi, Aunt Hallie.”, he said into his chest.

He walked, obligatorily, into her waiting arms and hugged her back. There was less than two inches difference in their height.

Gathering the few things I needed before leaving in search of a hotel room, I left the car and replaced Shane’s body with mine. My arms embraced her shoulders as hers encircled my waist. Time had carved precious inches from her already diminutive stature.

“Come in, honey.” She always calls me “honey”. “Be careful with that door. I need to fix the latch.”

Our love for each other spans twenty years, one birth, two marriages, two divorces, and the deaths of two children, both our mothers, and her beloved Aunt Flo. As I study her face for change, I realize mine is the one that is different. I am where she was when I left her to start over, again. Her changing was done. Mine had just begun. I shifted against the soft fabric of the sofa I rested upon, uncomfortable with the knowledge.

“I see you’ve changed your hair.” She made no effort to hide the disdain in her voice. “You’re wearing it like everyone else; like you haven’t combed it in days.” Ill health forced another sigh. “I don’t know why you want to do that. You have such nice hair. I liked it when you flipped it back.”

The fingers of her left hand weaved themselves into my hair.

“Oh, it’s very soft. It doesn’t look soft. It looks hard, but it’s very soft…just like it always was.”

And, it is…just like it always was.

“You’re my touchstone…”

High, and Outside

Baseball is not my favorite sport. At best, I endure it. And if Major League baseball is boring, Little League offers up a level of ennui unparalleled by any other activity this side of watching paint dry.

It seems every game is plagued with huge lapses of time during which the most exciting play involves watching someone else’s son kick up a cloud of red dust, as he rolls around behind home plate searching for the ball that lays just millimeters from his left shoe. I specify “someone else’s son”, because from the first time we breached the diamond, I made one thing clear; Shane will not play catcher.

He has a catcher’s build. He is somewhat vertically challenged, at present, and, his lack of height compacts his generous frame in such a way as to produce drool in coaches looking for a big target behind home plate. So, every year I am asked the question, and every year, I give the same answer, “No, I like his head. I’d like to keep it around. But, thank you for asking.”

I realize this is an unreasonable fear. As a child, burdened with a build similar to my child’s, I played catcher for a time, until it became apparent that my skills were more suited to another position; left field, perhaps. In all the time that I played, and/or watched the game, I have never witnessed a decapitation. And yet, the fear persists.

My rigidity hasn’t hurt Shane’s baseball experience. He has played nearly every position on the field, making a name for himself particularly at third base; think Terry Pendleton or Bob Horner.

This year, Shane is sharing time between third base and the pitcher’s mound. He has pitched before, and has a mean change-up. The anxiety I used to feel as he mounted the mound has given over to relief, as I know for at least this inning; the other team’s at-bat won’t resemble an extended version of musical chairs.

He is batting, this year, with a new bat. Adding a couple of ounces to its weight has improved his hitting, as he tends to swing a little late. As he approaches the plate, I slide forward on metal bleachers, resting my chin in my hand. As his coach requested, Shane lets the first pitch go. He wails at the next one, failing to make contact.

“That’s ok, Shane! You can do it!”

Another pitch sails over the plate and misses his bat. Shane steps away from the plate, shaking his head. The bat dangles, loosely, from his right hand.

“That’s it, Shane! Good cut!”

The next pitch sends him backwards, as Shane employs dramatics to ensure the call.

“Ball One!”

The “ping” signals that he has made contact. The ball stays on the ground, careening, wildly, through two gray-clad pairs of infield legs. An outfielder snags the ball well after Shane has rounded first base.

Carson ambles towards the plate, and an unexpressed moan hangs in the air.

We met Carson last year, when he came out for basketball, and the surprise I felt upon first seeing his face, quickly changed to respect when looking into the faces of his parents. Carson was born with a defect that prevented his skull from fully forming, leaving his brain exposed. In the eleven years since birth, he has suffered seven surgeries leaving him with a Picasso-like visage. The unnatural set of his eyes presents vision challenges that might have dissuaded his parents from enrolling him in sports. But, they would not be deterred. Both parents insist that Carson make the most of what he has, and that he experience life in the same way as anyone else.

It took Carson most of one season to get the hang of basketball, but by tournament time, he was a contributor. This year Carson came out for baseball.

The coaches allow for extra time to train him. Many practices find Carson part of a trio that includes a coach and another, more seasoned, player. They work on throwing, and catching, and batting. After several weeks, Carson knows how to stand. His knees are bent, slightly splaying his legs to either side. The bat is up, in ready position, and his eyes are on the pitcher.

The ball sails over the plate, and Carson’s bat languidly forms a “C” before coming to rest, tip down, in the dirt. He hefts it again. Another ball, in much the same position, comes at him. Again, the bat lazily arcs to the ground.

This is hard to watch. Again, I slide to the end of my metal perch, bringing my hands to my face as I squint. Given the velocity of his swing, the ball wouldn’t travel very far, even if he did manage to hit it. Would he know what to do? Would the force of the hit jolt his slender frame backwards? Silently, I urge him to resist. A walk would put him on base.

Out of the corner of my eye, I sense another mother on the edge of her seat. Turning, I see Carson’s Mom resting her chin in her hands. And, I feel her.

Batter Up!

Two hours spent sitting on aluminum bleachers outside an aluminum fence housing eighteen boys wielding aluminum bats is, for me, excruciating.

In spite of a somewhat chilly wind, the sun was blazing today, and I dressed accordingly, offering up as much winter-white skin as decorum allowed. The kind of warmth only God can provide got me through the third inning. As our pitcher walked his fourth batter in succession, I watched an opposing player lope home for an unearned score, and reassembled my limbs for maximum exposure. “You can do this!”, played like a mantra inside my head.

Blessedly, the game ended just as I feared ennui would surely overtake me. As I struggled not to remember that this was just a practice game, and that the regular season still stretched before me, Shane emerged from the dugout. We walked, arm-in-arm, towards the concession stand and lunch, while he rehashed his performance. And, I remembered; the warmth of my skin as it browns is nice, but this is my favorite part of baseball season.